Judge for Yourself

I judge people.  I will come right out and admit it.  If acid washed jeans, rotten teeth, or a misuse of the words there/their/they're are involved then I'm judging.  But the worst scenario is when someone tells me that they don't judge.  I find this extremely difficult to believe from anyone's mouth.  Mother Theresa was the only exception to the disbelief, so now there is absolutely no one that I will believe.  Perhaps it's just because others are more gracious or accepting or open minded than I am.  Maybe they're just better people than me.  Whatever the case may be, just know that when you say you never ever judge, not even if someone tells you that their favorite song is Mmm Bop by Hanson; I am judging you.

Pocket Susan Advice: Take your laundry supplies to work.  I don't mean your jug of detergent or the jar of quarters.  Just put a couple of dryer sheets in a sandwich bag and store it in your desk.  If you ever have an issue with static cling, just rub the problem area with a dryer sheet for a quick fix.  Static cling is usually more of an issue during the colder and drier winter months.  An added plus, your desk drawer will smell like a mountain breeze or fresh linen!

No Seriously, I'm Joking

People have difficulty recognizing when I am and am not joking.  This is partly my fault because I have a rather dry sense of humor and tend to keep a straight face regardless of what I am saying.  This makes me a good card player, an intimidating babysitter, and an outstanding liar (when necessary), but never a nominee for any kind of superlative involving humor.  I once told my best friend that I loved her not because she understood my jokes -- she didn't-- but just because she was able to recognize that I was making one.  

I accepted that this was my issue and that I would have to tack on phrases like "Just kidding" to the end of my sentences or follow instant messages with lol (even though I'm not really laughing out loud).  Recently, however, I've noticed that this extends to situations completely unrelated to comedy and joke making and don't think that I am at all to blame.  I am at a loss as to how to best describe these situations and offer instead a example dialogue.  

Me: I think that we should ______ .

Friend 1: Yeah, that's an awesome idea.  I bet a bunch of people would want to ______.  That would be so much fun!

Me: How about next Saturday?

Friend 1: That Saturday would be perfect!

Me: So you're in?  Will you call Friend 2?

Friend 1: Definitely!  Friend 2 would not want to miss out on this!  I can't wait!

Later... an hour, a day, a week, whatever... just later...

Me: So did you call Friend 2?

Friend 1: Well no.

Me: But I thought we were going to ______ next Saturday?

Friend 1: Oh, I know we said next Saturday but didn't realize you really meant next Saturday.

Me: Um, what else would I mean by next Saturday?

Friend 1: Well it's a great idea and I would definitely do it, I just didn't realize you were being serious.

Unless you're somewhat like me, that probably doesn't make much sense and that's okay.  Focus on the advice today.

Pocket Susan Advice: Register to vote.  Period.   

Third Wheel on a Non-Date

I moved halfway across the country about a month ago.  I'm not the most outgoing person in the world and it always takes me a while to make new friends and really start socializing.  So I felt fortunate when I made friends with a very outgoing, socially active person who works at my school in a different department.  We will call him Jason even though that's clearly not his real name.  Jason has been really great about including me in weekend plans and introducing me to other people he knows.  The first time Jason and I hung out, we went to a local festival featuring lots of vendors and live music.  Jason was going to invite some of his other friends so I was particularly looking forward to meeting some new people.

Shortly after arriving at the festival, Jason's friend Brittany (also not her name) arrived along with two of her guys friends, Paul and Chris (not their names either).  We all hung out for a while, chatting about nothing and enjoying the music.  Then randomly, Paul asked Brittany how she and Jason knew each other.  Brittany tensed up and said, "We just know each other."  Chris made a joke about them meeting at a strip club or AA; we all laughed and moved.

I didn't give it another thought until much later when Jason and I were waiting in line for food and the others were elsewhere.  Jason brought up the earlier conversation and asked if I had noticed that Brittany didn't give a straight answer.  I said, "Yes, but I wasn't really worried about it."  Jason proceeded to tell me that they met through Match.com, which is totally fine by me.  But then he told me that that was their first in-person meeting and Brittany didn't want to tell her friends that they met online.  

Let me get this straight.  You have arranged to meet a person you met online for a date.  But that person is too embarrassed to acknowledge how you met or that it's a date.  You both bring friends, but don't bother to tell said friends that it's essentially a blind date and no one really knows anyone.  Which is great, but in mid-non-date, you decide to tell me that it is in fact a date?  But I have to pretend that it's not.  And you don't think that this might be a little awkward for me, particularly taking into account that you and I have never interacted socially either?  Really Michael Vick?  Really? 

Pocket Susan Advice: If you're on a tight budget or your weekends are feeling repetitive, consider becoming a local tourist.  Visit your town or the regional Board of Tourism office or website for some great new ideas on things to do around town.  A lot of people live in places with great festivals, parks or museums and never take advantage of them.  Added bonus, those activities are often cheap or free!